Best Sexual jokes In English Language-Dirty jokes

We know some people like to read sex jokes, dirty jokes and sexual thought jokes very much, that too in different ways, here we have brought some best sex jokes for you, you will be laughing after reading them live.

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Best Sexual jokes In English Language-Dirty jokes

Sexual jokes-funny sex jokes

(1). A young girl walks in on her parents having sex one night.

When the mother notices her daughter looking at them, she immediately stops going up and down on the father.

"Mommy, what are you doing?"

The mother is too embarrassed to tell her daughter about sex, so she makes one up.

"Well, sweetie, daddy's tummy gets a little too big sometimes, so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out."

"Well, mommy, you really shouldn't bother with that," the little girl responds.

"Why do you say that, sweetheart?" asks the mother, confused.

"Because mommy, every time you leave in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up," the little girl responds.

(2). Steve and his friends were hanging out and planning a fishing trip.

Unfortunately, he had to inform them that he would be unable to attend this time due to his wife's refusal.

Steve was frustrated after a lot of teasing and name calling.

When Steve's friends arrived at the lake the following week to set up camp, they were surprised to see him.

He was already at the campground, with a cold beer in hand, swag rolled out, fishing rod in hand, and a glowing camp fire.

"How did you convince your wife to let you go, Steve?"

"I wasn't required to," Steve replied.

"I went home after work yesterday and slumped in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows because I couldn't go fishing. Then the ol' lady Snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'. When I peeled back her hands, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee, saying, 'Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever you want,' so here I am!"

(3). The elderly Italian man approached his parish priest and requested that he hear his confession. "Of course, my son," the priest replied.

"Well, Father, at the start of WWII, a lovely lady knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and there's nothing you need to confess," the priest said.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak and told her she had to pay for the attic rent with her sexual favours," the old man continued.

"Well, it was a difficult time, and you took a big risk - you would have suffered horribly at their hands if the Germans had discovered you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil and judge you kindly," the priest said.

"Thank you, Father," the elderly man said.

"That's a weight off my shoulders. Is it okay if I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," the priest replied.

"Do I need to tell her that the war is over?" the old man inquired.

Sexual jokes

(4). A man is sitting in a hotel lobby.

He wishes to inquire of the clerk.

He accidentally bumps into a woman beside him as he turns to go to the front desk, and his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both taken aback, and he says, "Ma'am, I know you'll forgive me if your heart is as soft as your breast."

"If your penis is as hard as your elbow," she says, "I'm in room 1221."

(5). While walking down the street with his 6-year-old son, they come across two dogs having sex.

The boy is taken aback by what he sees and questions his father, "Daddy, what are they doing?"

To avoid lying to his son, the father says, "They're just making a puppy."

"OK," the son says, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe any further.

The son bursts into his parents' room the next day and discovers them having sex.

The father leaps to his feet and quickly covers himself.

He walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table, knowing he's in for an interesting conversation.

"Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?" his son inquires.

To be completely honest with his son, he says, "me and mommy were making a baby."

His son thinks for a moment before responding, "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

(6) A mother is preparing dinner for her family in the kitchen when her daughter enters.

"Where do babies come from, Mother?"

"Well, dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and marry," the mother says after a few seconds of thought. They go into their bedroom one night, kiss and hug, and have sex."

"That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina," the mother continues, perplexed.

That's how you have a child, honey."

The child appears to understand.

"Oh, I see, but when I came into your room the other night, you had daddy's penis in your mouth.

What happens when you do that?"

"Jewelry, my darling. Jewelry.”

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(7). A dick's life is depressing.

His hair is a shambles, his family is insane, his neighbour is a jerk, his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him.

(8). A newlywed couple desired to join a church.

The pastor informed them, "For new parishioners, we have specific requirements. You must abstain from sexual activity for two weeks."

The couple agreed and returned after two weeks.

"Well, did you manage to go two weeks without being intimate?" asked the pastor.

"Pastor, I'm afraid we weren't able to go two weeks without sex," the young man replied.

"What happened?" the pastor inquired.

"My wife dropped a can of corn she was reaching for on the top shelf. I was overcome with lust when she bent over to pick it up, and I took advantage of her right there."

"Of course, you understand that this means you will not be welcome in our church," the pastor explained.

"That's fine," the young man said.

"We're also not welcome at the grocery store anymore."

(9). This elderly woman visited the doctor for a check-up.

Everything appeared to be in order.

"Doctor, I haven't had sex in years and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive," the elderly lady said as she drew the doctor aside.

"Have you tried giving him Viagra?" the doctor asked, smiling.

The lady smirked. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin for a headache," she complained.

"Well, let me make a suggestion," the doctor continued. Make a powder out of the Viagra. When you're giving him coffee, stir it into it and serve it. He won't even notice."

The old lady was overjoyed.

She squashed out of the doctor's office.

The old lady reappeared several weeks later.

The doctor noticed her frown and asked what was wrong.

She moved her head.

"How did it go?" inquired the doctor.

"Doctor, you're terrible."

"Didn't it fail?"

"It worked," the old lady confirmed. I did as you said, and he got up and ripped his clothes off right there on the table, and we made wild love. It was the best sex I'd had in over 25 years."

"So, what's the issue, ma'am?"

"All right," she said. "I'll never show my face in a McDonald's again.

Dirty jokes in English

(10). In an elevator this morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman.

I was looking at boobs when she asked, "Press One?"

So that's what I did...

After that, I don't remember much.

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(11). A male patient has recently recovered from a sexually transmitted illness.

He was lying in a hospital bed, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young nurse arrived to clean his body with a sponge.

"Are my testicles black?" mumbled the patient.

"I don't know Sir, I'm just cleaning you up," the nurse replied.

"Are my testicles black?" the patient asked again.

The nurse was embarrassed to answer the question, saying, "Sir, everything should be fine."

"Are my testicles black?" the patient kept asking over and over.

A worried patient was too much for the nurse to bear.

So she lifted his gown, moved her hand to find and grab his penis and testicle, moved it all around, checked very carefully, and then the man ejaculated on the nurse's hand.

The man removes his oxygen mask and says loudly enough, "Ma'am, Thanks, but I still need to know 'Are my tests results back?"

(12). A young boy enters his parents' room to find his mother bouncing up and down on top of his father.

The mother notices her son and quickly dismounts, concerned about what her son has witnessed.

She quickly dresses and heads out to find him.

"What were you and Dad doing?" the son asks his mother.

"Well, you know your dad has a big tummy, and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it," the mother responds.

"You're wasting your time," the boy said.

"Why is that?" his mother wondered.

"Well, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up when you go shopping."

(13). Strange noises from his parents' room woke up a small boy in the middle of the night, and he decided to investigate.

As he walked into their bedroom, he was astounded to see his mother and father sagging for all they were worth.

"DAD!" he yelled. "What are you up to?"

"It's fine," his father said. "All your mother wants is a baby."

The small boy, who was overjoyed at the prospect of a new baby brother, smiled and went back to bed.

Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom when he noticed his mother giving his father oral gratification.

"DAD!" he yelled. "What exactly are you doing now?"

"There's been a change of plans, son," his father responded.

"Your mother once desired a child, but now she desires a BMW."

(14). Hung Chow arrives at work and says, "Hey, boss, I'm not coming to work today because I'm really sick. My legs hurt, I had a headache, and my stomach hurt. I did not come to work."

According to the boss, "Hung Chow, you know I really need you today. When I'm in this mood, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. Everything is better now, and I can go to work. You make an attempt."

Hung Chow calls again two hours later: "I do what you say, boss, and I feel great. I'll be at work shortly. You have a lovely home."

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(15). A young man and his date were parked on a side road outside of town.

They were about to have sex when the girl abruptly ended it.

"I should have mentioned this sooner, but I'm a hooker and I charge $20 for sex."

The man reluctantly paid her, and they went about their business.

The man sat in the driver's seat, smoking a cigarette and staring out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" the girl inquired.

"Well, I guess I should have mentioned it before, but I'm a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

(16). An older couple, both widowed, had been seeing each other for a long time.

They finally decided to marry after being pushed by their friends.

They went out to dinner before the wedding and had a lengthy discussion about how their marriage might work.

They talked about money, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the elderly gentleman decided it was time to bring up their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about s*x?" he inquired, somewhat tentatively.

"I'd like it on occasion," she replied. The elderly gentleman sat quietly for a moment before adjusting his glasses and whispering, "Is that one word or two?"

(17). Typical macho man married typical attractive lady, and after the wedding, he established the following ground rules: " "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at whatever time I want, and I don't expect you to bother me. 

Unless I tell you otherwise, I anticipate a delicious dinner on the table. Don't make me feel bad about going hunting, fishing, drinking, and playing cards with my old buddies whenever I want. Those are my guidelines. Any thoughts?"

His new wife stated, "No problem, that's fine with me. Just know that there will be sex here every night at seven o'clock... whether you're here or not."

(18). Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue, in 1960.

Peggy Sue's father opens the door and welcomes him inside.

He inquires about Bobby's plans for the date.

Bobby responds politely that they'll probably just go to the malt shop or a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father proposes, "Why don't you kids go screw around? I've heard that all of the children are doing it."

Bobby is taken aback. "Please excuse me, sir."

"Peggy Sue enjoys screwing around. If we let her, she'll screw all night."

Peggy Sue comes downstairs and declares that she is ready to leave.

Peggy Sue rushes back into the house about 20 minutes later, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad! Twist it! It's known as the Twist!"

(19). A man entered a barbershop and inquired, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

"About 2 hours," the barber said, looking around the busy shop.

The man walked away.

A few days later, the same man knocked on the door and inquired, "How long until I can get a haircut?"

"About 3 hours," the barber said, looking around the shop.

The man walked away.

A week later, the same man entered the shop and inquired, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

"About an hour and a half," the barber said, looking around the shop.

The man walked away.

The barber approached his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, could you please follow him and see where he goes? He repeatedly asks how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never returns."

Bob returned to the shop a short time later, laughing uncontrollably.

"So, where does he go when he leaves?" inquired the barber.

Bob looked up, wiped his eyes, and exclaimed, "Your house!"

(20). A young man was showing his girlfriend his new sports car.

She was ecstatic about the speed.

"Will you take off your clothes if I hit 200 mph?" he inquired.

"Yes!" exclaimed his daring girlfriend.

And as he approached 200, she stripped off all her clothes.

The car flipped over because the driver couldn't keep his eyes on the road.

The naked girl had been thrown clear, but he had become trapped beneath the steering wheel.

"Go get help!" he exclaimed.

"But I'm afraid I can't. I'm naked, and my clothes have vanished!"

"Take my shoe and cover yourself," he said.

The girl ran down the road, holding the shoe over her pubis, until she came across a service station.

Still clutching the shoe between her legs, she begged the service station owner, "Please assist me! My boyfriend is trapped!"

"There's nothing I can he's too far," the proprietor said, looking at the shoe.

(21). I asked my wife why she married me.

"Because you're funny," says his wife.

"I assumed it was because I was good in bed?"

Wife: "See what I mean? You're hilarious."

(22) "Mommy, where do babies come from?" asks little Johnny.

"The stork brings them," his mother responds.

"Then who fucks the stork?" wonders Little Johnny.

Funny sexual jokes

(23). A man approached his wife while she was making breakfast one morning and gave her a healthy pinch on the buttocks.

"If you firmed up your butt," he told her, "we could get rid of your girdle."

The wife was irritated but said nothing. Her husband pinched her breast the next morning and said, "If you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

"And if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!" said the wife, grabbing her husband's penis.

(24). A husband is supposed to make his wife's underwear wet, not her eyes.

A wife's job is to make her husband's dick difficult, not his life...

(25). Every man requires a beautiful wife, an intelligent wife, a caring wife, a loving wife, a sexy wife, an adjusting and cooperative wife, but the law only allows for one wife.

(26). You help each other get naked before sex.

After sex, you only dress yourself.

Moral: When you're fucked, no one will help you.

(27). Success is like pregnancy.

Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

(28). The wife purchased a new see-through nightgown, wore it without underwear, and came swinging before the husband.

"You look so beautiful and sexy, my darling," says Aroused Husband.

"I know that, I tried it the same way at the store, and the salesman was the first to tell me that," the wife says.

(30). God told Adam, "I have both good and bad news for you.

The good news first.

I gave you a brain and a p***.

The bad news is... I've only given you enough blood to power one of them!"

(31) A woman in a maternity hospital is moaning in pain.

"I'm so sorry sweetheart that you have to endure this..." the man strokes her back.

"Don't be concerned, Steve; it's not your fault."

Best Sexual jokes In English

(32) Sex is similar to math:

Include the bed.

Subtraction of clothing

Divide the legs and hope they don't multiply.

(33). When this 12-year-old boy was in bed, he heard his mother moan.

He decided to go see what was wrong with her.

When he entered his mother's room, he saw her naked on her bed, rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."

So he did this several times, and then one night he heard his mother moaning again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to check it out, and instead of seeing his mother alone, he sees his mother in bed with a man.

So the boy rushes back to his room, takes off all his clothes, jumps on the bed, and rubs himself, exclaiming, "I need a bike, I need a bike!!!"

(34). A food that reduces a woman's sex drive by 95% has been discovered by scientists.

It's known as a Wedding Cake.

(35). Two Italians board a bus...

They sit down and have a lively conversation.

The lady sitting behind them initially ignores them, but her attention is drawn to them when one of the men says, " "First and foremost, mma. Then I'll come. Then two asses collide. I'm back once more. They meet again as two asses. I return and pee twice. Then I return one more time."

"You foul-mouthed swine," the lady retorted angrily. "We don't talk about our sex lives in public in this country!"

"Hey, lady, calm down," the man said. "Who's talking about sex? I'm just showing my friend how to spell Mississippi."

(36). Wife:- Darling, look I haven't worn this since last 8 years

Still its fitting is the same

Hus:- Some fear God

This is a shawl. ,

(37). Sunny Leone appeared on Comedy Nights with Kapil

So one viewer said "I am your big fan.

I have seen all your movies.

Can I do a step in your film with you?"

On this Sidhu said

"Guru, not every yellow flower is a mango, not every Sita's husband is Ram.

Loosen your pocket a little and bear the hotel expenses, because this is the step

Which doesn't happen openly. hit

Funny sex jokes

(38). Wrote in the bathroom of the boys hostel

Your future is in your hands..

So imagine what would be written in the bathroom of girls hostel

Don't point fingers at your future.

vikas yadav

i am a blogger and writer and blogging is my hobby and side business too my blog

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